The best ways to deal with a toxic sibling

 We

are raised to believe that having a sibling is a magical experience — and for some, that’s true. For others, however, that sibling relationship is one that can be fraught with tension and hardship, as well as dismissal and abuse. When things get tough between you and a sibling, it often comes down to making a hard choice and walking away. No one deserves to be mistreated, no matter what relationship they share with someone.

Stop allowing an abusive or toxic sibling rule your life. Build the understanding that you need to safeguard your wellbeing and empower yourself (through information and vision) to move past their poor behavior and juvenile tactics. We are not beholden to our toxic siblings just because we come from the same family. Find the motivation to stand up for yourself and reinstate a sense of peace in your life.

Sibling-hood isn’t all it’s made out to be.

Stop putting up with a sibling who  dismisses you, belittles you or otherwise makes your life more difficult than it should be. Our siblings shouldn’t bring more pain into our lives. As a matter of fact, they should enhance it with endless love, understanding and compassion. You don’t have to allow them to take advantage of you, or make you feel worthless. You can learn how to stand up for yourself and break free of the shackles that keep you chained to your dysfunctional family relationships.

Nothing but critical

Does your sibling constantly criticize you or the choices that you make? Do they look for fault before you even have a chance to speak or act? Look down on you and the life you’re building? If they never have a word of encouragement to give you — but endless unsolicited advice that comes from a place of their own internal bitterness more than anything else — they’re toxic. This behavior runs down both your sense of self and your personal confidence. More than that it’s disrespectful.

Manipulation comes standard

Some siblings rely on manipulation to get what they want from the people around them. This can include manipulating your emotions, or bringing up issues from the past in order to invalidate your needs and points of view. They bring out the worst in you or coerce you into behavior and responses that make you uncomfortable. They pull strings, and they do so with both

Zero remorse

Think back to the last time you and your sibling got into a skirmish. When the dust settled, did they show any signs of remorse for the part they played? Think back even further. The last time your sibling did something seriously wrong (to you or others) did they show any signs of guilt or shame? Remorse is an important part of being a caring, compassionate human being. Failing to show remorse when we step out of line indicates a lack of respect and a lack of basic consideration.

Total energy drain

How do you feel when you get done spending time with you sibling, or socializing with them? When someone is toxic or bad for us, we often notice that we feel exhausted or drained after being in their presence for even a few moments. This is because we have to exert a tremendous amount of mental and emotional force in order to withstand their barrage of personal attacks, negative critiques, and all-around-nastiness. A toxic sibling can be a total energy drain, but we have to listen to our bodies to notice that.

What happens when you don’t deal with it.

Think that your toxic sibling relationship isn’t that big of a deal? Think again. The bonds we share with our family are important, and with our siblings especially so. When those bonds run poisonous, our lives pay the price in a number of surprising ways.

Shifted sense of self

The relationships we share with our families are the first we ever know and therefore become the foundation upon which we build our ideas on everything from love to self. Living in the shadow of a toxic or abusive sibling can damage your self-esteem and skew the way you see yourself — seriously crippling your authentic individuality and sense of worth. This shifted sense of self keeps us small, and can even cause us to deny ourselves crucial opportunities.

Eroded self-esteem

If your sibling relationship involves abuse, denial, or belittlement of any kind, you might notice that it eats away at your self-esteem. This is because our sibling relationships form one of the first reference points when it comes to love and identity. We see our interactions with them as a reflection of self, and as this evolves with our reasoning we can come to adopt an ingrained idea of worthlessness and and / or hopelessness.

Physical corrosion

Stress is an unfortunate side effect of life, but it is exacerbated by toxic relationships with our families and our siblings. When these relationships erode, they increase our stress levels and the production of cortisol. This stress hormone takes a serious toll on your physical health, and can result in headaches, muscle tension, loss of sleep, exhaustion, and even poor diet and exercise habits.

The best ways to deal with a toxic sibling relationship.

Let go of the idea that you have to hold on to a toxic sibling. You are in charge of protecting your wellbeing, and that includes controlling the people who take up space in your life. Don’t allow abuse for the sake of an outdated idea. Cut ties and find better ways to protect yourself against their attacks with these simple techniques.

 Empower yourself with acceptance

Empowering yourself is a process which takes time — no matter what you’re empowering yourself to work through. It’s also a process that starts with acceptance, though, and that means internal acceptance and external acceptance. You must start to see the world as it really is, and you must start to see your place in it, and your sibling’s place too. The sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can take action to change it.

It’s important to note here that acceptance is not allowance. To accept your sibling as a toxic person is not to allow that behavior to continue. It simply means you acknowledge the bad, just as you acknowledge the good. Identify those parts of your relationship which are most toxic, then put them in perspective where they belong. You must empower yourself to wake up to the reality of the family ties you’re dealing with, so you protect yourself.

2. Set out some boundaries

Boundaries are crucial to every sort of relationship, and they are especially important when we’re dealing with toxic people. It may not be possible to entirely remove your sibling from your life. At first, that may not even be a possibility you’re willing to consider. If that’s the case, then you have to learn how to set hard-and-fast boundaries and you have to find the courage to communicate them explicitly.

It’s also equally important here that you leave outside pressure at the door. Your boundaries have nothing to do with the boundaries of your parents, or even your other siblings. Make choices that are right for you and your happiness and don’t expect anyone else involved to understand or validate the experience you’re in. We each have our own perception of reality. Deal with yours and allow everyone else in the family to do the same.

3. Assess the damage

You have to assess the damage left behind by your toxic sibling in order to both heal and move forward (with or without them). Until you know the extent of their impact on your wellbeing, you can’t fully express the reasons behind your desire to cut ties. Honestly look at the pain they’ve caused in your life, and any spiraling side effects that have left you more injured than they should have.

Stick to the facts and reconnect with the memories and the feelings they dredge up. Though we cannot dwell in the past when it comes to toxic relationships, we have to review it and learn from it in order to ensure it’s never allowed to happen again. Look at the injuries for what they truly are. Do you want to live a life in pain in their shadow? Or learn how to lead your own personally future?

Putting it all together…

Though our sibling relationships are meant to offer us avenues of support and acceptance, they can also be sources of great pain. Toxic siblings erode our self-esteem and can destroy our mental and physical wellbeing. We have to learn to protect ourselves against their attacks, and stand up for the things which matter most to us: peace, security and happiness — all the good we want in our futures.

Empower yourself first through acceptance. Accept who you are and accept who they are. Within that, accept the reality of your relationship too. Not every relationship was meant to thrive. Set some boundaries for yourself and give them one last opportunity to respect them. If they can’t take the hint, let them know (in no uncertain terms) what the consequences of their disrespect will be. Assess the damage they’ve left you, and get proactive about coming up with an action plan for what comes next. Someone who hurts you or disrespects you can’t stick around if you want to be happy. Say whatever you need to say to them, but let them know that you’re done being their emotional punching bag. Sever the ties and know in your heart that it’s okay to let them carry their own pain for a while. You aren’t beholden to them anymore.